-Jeff: Why didn’t you say hello to him? You know him.
Larry: I know. He wanted to do a stop-and-chat. I didn’t want to do a stop-and-chat.
Jeff: “Stop-and-chat?” Where do you come up with these things?
-Larry: Do you think we really needed Alaska and Hawaii? They have to ruin everything. They ruined the continental United States. We have a beautiful Pacific coast, Atlantic coast, that’s the continental United States. You don’t need more states. We’re not the British Empire. Are they trying to turn us into the British Empire? And what is Puerto Rico anyway?
-Larry: Yeah, but we’re not going to dinner with you though.
Cheryl: We’ve already made plans.
Larry: We don’t have any plans, we just don’t want to go to dinner with you.
-Tara: Mommy, mommy, that bald man’s in the bathroom and there’s something hard in his pants!
-Larry: This isn’t our food.
Cheryl: Did you check the order before you left?
Larry: Yeah, I did, but I decided to take the wrong food home. Thank you for inquiring.
-Larry: You throw in a f*ck, you double your laughs.
-Trick or treaters: it’s Halloween, can we get some candy?
Larry: Yeah, it’s Halloween but that doesn’t mean you can go around to people’s houses and bilk candy for them.
-Walter: You know what you are? You are a self-loathing Jew.
Larry: I do hate myself, but it has nothing to do with being Jewish.
-Larry: I didn’t know it was going to be felony-or-treat.
-Larry: “Bald asshole?” That’s a hate crime. We consider ourselves to be a group.
Police officer: I’m bald and I’m not offended.
Larry: With all due respect, Officer Berg, you are not bald. You have chosen to shave your hair and that’s a look you’re cultivating in order to look fashionable, but we don’t really consider you part of the bald community…with all due respect.
-Wanda: Larry, you are an ass man!
Larry: I am not an ass man! I don’t have an ass fetish! I am not obsessed with asses.
-Larry: Anybody want to help a semi-retarded individual change a tire?
-Larry: I don’t tell my wife anything. I don’t confide in her. I don’t trust anybody. I just treat her like an acquaintance.
-Larry: You know I’ve never actually seen the vagina with my glasses on. I don’t really have any idea of what it looks like. It’s all a hazy mystery to me.
-Cheryl: Why am I the one who initiates sex?
Larry: I’m available for sex all the time, basically, so anytime you want to have it, you can have it.
Larry: But anytime I want to have it, I can’t. Just assume that I want it all the time, so whenever you want it, just tap me on the shoulder.
-Larry: I tend to say stupid things to black people sometimes.
-Larry: Nobody likes to fly. I don’t even like to drive. And I don’t like walking.
-Jeff: How did she die?
Larry: Killed herself.
Larry: Why? Nobody knows why, she didn’t leave a note. That is so rude, isn’t it?
Jeff: That is really rude.
-Larry: I let my wife know before I go anywhere.
-Cheryl (Referring to the caterer who stole their food): You know, this is very unprofessional if you ask me.
Larry: It’s completely unprofessional. And I know because my whole career has been based on being unprofessional.
-Cheryl: You should never listen to Jeff for anything. I don’t know why I have to keep telling you that.
-Larry: What is this compulsion to have people over your house and serve them food and talk to them? What a strange thing.
-Phyllis: I’m finally in the house that Jerry Seinfeld built!
Larry: With his own hands, and some hammers, he actually worked on it, like Jimmy Carter.
-Larry: Why are you listening to me? I don’t know what I’m talking about.
-Male Parking Attendant: “The bald guy with the glasses.” That’s you?
Larry: Unfortunately, that’s me.
-Cheryl: Larry, please, it’s fine. I don’t know what you want me to say to you.
Larry: How about, “honey, I forgive you, would you like to have sex.
-Larry: A gay Jew in Nazi Germany? He must have had a hard time.
-Larry: Is it a bad thing? Maybe it’s not such a bad thing, you know?
Cheryl: Because you want people to think you constantly have an erection?
Larry: I don’t know, is it a bad thing for me to walk around like that?
Cheryl: Yes, it is.
-Larry: My wife tells her friend I’m looking for somebody to go to the movies with, so now I’m going to the movies with my wife’s friend, who I find really annoying.
-Larry: Who do you think has more freedom: The married man in America or the single man in Communist China?
-Larry: Are you my Caucasian?
-Jeff: You really love that dog.
Larry: It’s nice to be affectionate to something German. You don’t get the opportunity that often, you know.
-Wanda: I thought I’d never say this, but Larry is right.
-Larry: One thing I admire about Hitler: he never took any sh*t from magicians.
-(Larry walks in on Cheryl’s family after they finished reading the obituary. They all glare at him)
Cheryl: “What?” We got the paper, that’s what!
Cheryl’s dad: “Devoted sister, beloved cunt.”?! That’s what you put in the paper.
Larry (in shock): This is a typo! It should be “aunt!”
Susie: Do me a favor. When I die, let someone else handle the obit.
-Larry: I’m feeling pretty good. Pret-ty, pret-ty, pret-ty good.
-Larry: Big family?
John: Yeah. Five brothers and sisters, you know, Irish.
Larry: You ever catch your parents having sex?
Larry: Me either.
-Man in Airport: What’s the name on here? Is it yours? No, it’s mine, Chris Darga. See, now if this were yours it would say “Fu*king Douchebag!”
-Homeowner: Hey, buddy, what’s the deal?
Larry: What are you talking about?
Homeowner: Throw something in my garbage can?
Larry: I threw garbage in your garbage can.
Homeowner: I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t do that.
Larry: Doesn’t garbage belong in a garbage can?
Homeowner: My garbage belongs in my garbage can, your garbage belongs in your garbage can, ok?
Larry: The can’s not full, I don’t get it.
Homeowner: Next guy I see throwing garbage in there, I’m gonna kick his ass.
Larry: I’ll give that message to the next guy.
Homeowner: You think I’m kidding?
Larry: No, I believe you. I’m gonna tell the next guy.
-Larry: I think it’s pretty selfish that you’d want both of us to perish.
-Larry: It’s “Until death do us part.” After that, all bets are off. I didn’t agree to anything past that.
-Larry: I’d like to tell my wife I look like Brad Pitt, but unfortunately, she can see.
-Larry (in flashback): What do you want to be a David for?
Cheryl: I want to be your wife.
Larry: Davids want to get out of being Davids.
-Larry (on picking up women): This is the thing that I’m the worst at in the world. This and drawing.
-Larry: Why are you f*ucking around with married women?
Leon: Ass is ass, Larry.
-Larry: I’m going to dinner with Jeff and Suzie and Richard Lewis and his new girlfriend, if you want to come along.
Loretta: Any black people gonna be there?
Loretta: Then why would I want to go?
-Larry: I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors-the thieves don’t impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.
-Larry: You’re in Paris, got the best food in the world, you’re eating a chalupa?
Leon: If I coulda put French toast in this mothaf*cka, I would.
-Leon: Michael J. Fox about to be Michael J. fucked up in a minute.
-Larry: I saw this commercial last night, and Michael Jordan had a Hitler moustache.
Buckner: Yeah I saw that. He’s the first one to wear that since Hitler isn’t he?
-Waiter: I am the waiter.
Larry: Yet we’re the ones waiting, so we became the waiters.
Jeff: This man’s a hero. He just revolutionized the way restaurants work my friend.
-Larry: You’re saying LOL, you’re verbal texting.
-Man: So you think all Black people look alike?
Larry: I think all computers look alike.
-Woman: Do you want to apologize to my dog? Because you really yelled at my dog.
Larry: Yeah, it’s very hard to apologize to a dog because they’re a stupid animal.
-Richard: A lot of people call me who are suicidal.
Larry: I don’t think you’d be my suicide call.
-Larry: I can call you bald. It’s like black people calling each other n*gga. Hey baldy, you know.
-Jeff: What’s with the hat?
Larry: What? I’m married. I can wear whatever I want.
-Larry: So your last name is “Black?”
Loretta Black: Yes.
Larry: That’s like if my last name was “Jew.” Like Larry Jew.
-Larry: An employee is told that the customer is always right and, in fact, the customer is usually a moron and as asshole.
-Larry (in reference to the Fowler’s adopted child from China): Let me ask you this question, have you noticed if she has any proclivity for chopsticks?
Larry: Well, she’s Chinese.
John: Do you also think she’s a Kung Fu master?
Larry: No, all I’m wondering is this, if you took an American kid who’s never used chopsticks before and a Chinese kid who’s never used chopsticks before, would the Chinese kid do better?
John: So the American kid is the control group?
Jamie: Ok, you know what, she uses a fork.
Larry: Do me a favor, first time she uses chopsticks, give me a call and just let me know. Give me a call and just say, “Hey you know what? You wouldn’t believe it…”
-Susan: Jeff, let’s take a walk.
Jeff: Eh, I’m comfortable.
Susan: Come on, it’s gorgeous! Perfect walking weather. It’s good for you.
Jeff: Nah, I don’t want to. I’m not in the mood.
Jeff: No, I’m fine.
Susan: Get up off your fat ass and let’s take a walk! It’ll be romantic!
-Larry: I’m not wearing no-fly underwear.
Leon: You gotta do it. You got long balls, Larry.
Larry: I’ve got long balls?
Leon: Doctor, you said he’s got long balls, right?
Larry: Would you say I have unusually long…
Doctor: They’re a bit more distended than the average testicles.
Leon: You got long ass balls, Larry. “Long Ball Larry,” that’s your new name.