The Best of Dwight K. Schrute (former Assistant [to the] Regional Manager)

-I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted.

-In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand and the right one would just be left for punching.

-I never smile if I can help it…. Showing one’s teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life

-Michael is like Mozart, and I’m like Butch Cassidy. You mess with Mozart and you’re going to get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

-Women are like wolves. If you want one you must trap it. Snare it. Tame it. Feed it lovingly. The way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.

-If I could menstruate, I wouldn’t have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I’d just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I’d be more in tune with the moon and the tides.

-I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching.

-Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

-I am faster than 80% of all snakes.

-I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.

-Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.

-When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time, to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.

-My feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man

-Before I do anything I ask myself,  “Would an idiot do that?” And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing.

-You know what’s better than a triceratops? Only every other dinosaur that has ever existed.

-Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.

-How would I describe myself? Three words: hard working, alpha male, jackhammer…merciless…insatiable…

-I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose…and a panther.

-The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won’t receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. Count Choculitis….Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?

-Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

-Dwight: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.

Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?

Dwight: So I can lower it

-I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War Two veteran killed twenty men and spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.

-When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. And right now, the title of Michael’s book is, “Something Weird Is Going On…colon…What Did Jan Say? The Michael Scott Story…by Michael Scott. With Dwight Schrute.”

-As a farmer I know that when an animal is sick sometimes the right thing to do is put it out of its misery. With the electricity we are using to keep Meredith alive we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what’s unethical.

-I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. Absolutely everything was the same…except I could fly.

-People say, oh it’s dangerous to keep weapons in the home, or the workplace. Well I say, it’s better to be hurt by someone you know, accidentally, than by a stranger, on purpose

-In the wild, there is no healthcare. Healthcare is “Oh, I broke my leg!” A lion comes and eats you, you’re dead. Well, I’m not dead, I’m the lion, you’re dead!

-Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this earth. We need a new plague…

-[indicating his purple belt] This is not a toy, this is a message to the entire office so that everyone can see I can physically dominate them.

-Sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet so fine call me a Sasquatch!

-Managing you for this last week has been the greatest honor of my life, and if you ruin this I will burn this office to the ground. And I mean that figuratively, not literally, because you guys are so, so important to me. I love you guys, but don’t cross me, but you’re the best.

-I will never be happier than I am right now. I will also never be less happy. I will be at my current maximum happiness for the rest of my life, because I am manager of the Scranton Branch of Dunder Mifflin…acting manager.

-Kevin will be eaten. Pam will be taken slave. Jim will be made a Warlord’s jester. Meredith will be okay.

-In the end, the greatest snowball isn’t a snowball at all…it’s fear. Merry Christmas.

-Too late. If I was the real Scranton Strangler, you’d be so strangled by now. And if you’re out there Strangler, you will get caught, by me.

-Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, “Bring it on!”

-Dwight: Did you get your tickets?
Jim: To what?
Dwight: [kisses bicep] The gun show.

-Will Ryan become a slacker, loser, wise ass like Jim or will he join the Dwight Army of Champions?

-I saw “Wedding Crashers” accidentally. I bought a ticket for “Grizzly Man” and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Cause that’s the thing about bear attacks… they come when you least expect it.

-Yes, I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I’m looking forward to. It’s an Amish technique. It’s like slapping someone with silence. I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday… for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.

-How is the new boss? Tough. Do people respect him? They have to. Do they like him? Irrelevant. They do not. And I hate them back.

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