-This is our receptionist, Pam. Pam Beesly. Pam has been with is for forever…right Pam? If you think she’s cute now, you should have seen her a couple years ago.
-Pam, this is from corporate. How many times have I told you that there is a special filing cabinet for things from corporate? It’s called the waste paper basket.
-Abraham Lincoln once said that ‘If you are a racist, I will attack you with the North,’ and those are the principles I carry with me in the workplace.
-When I retire, I don’t want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I want to be the guy who gives everything back. I want it to be like: “Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?” “Umm, well I don’t know. It was anonymous.” “Well, guess what? That was Michael Scott!” “But it was anonymous, how do you know?” “…Because I’m him!”
-Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate so he’s not really a part of our family. Also, he’s divorced so he’s not really a part of his family.
-Attention everyone, hello! I just want you to know that this is not my decision but from here on out, we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here, we must only discuss work associated things. You can consider this my retirement from comedy.
-When I said that I was the king of forwards, you have to understand that I don’t come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn’t arrest a guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another.
-And even though we’re still a family here at Dunder Mifflin, families grow. And, at some point, the daddy can’t take a bath with the kids anymore. I am upper management, and it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam, as much as I might want to.
-So I never went to business school. You know who else didn’t go to business school? LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, Tracy McGrady.
-Would I rather be feared or loved? Ummm…easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
-Happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party is so lame.
-Michael: I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I am talking about.
Stanley: That’s not what a hate crime is.
Michael: Well I hated it. A lot!
-I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and would applaud as I walked away.
-Now you may look around and see two groups here: white-collar and blue-collar. But I don’t see it that way, and you know why not? Because I am collar blind.
-Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and…I have a great one. ‘Little Kid Lover.’ That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.
-When I grow up, I want to get married and have 100 kids so I can have 100 friends and no one can say no to being my friend.
-Michael: I call everybody faggy. Why would anyone find that offensive?
Toby: I think Oscar would like it if you just used ‘lame’ or something.
Michael: But that’s what faggy means!
-You don’t call retarded people retards. It’s bad taste. You call your friends retards when they are acting retarded.
-Did you know that gay used to mean happy? When I was growing up it meant lame. And now it means a man who makes love to other men. We’re all homos. Homo sapiens.
-The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays.
-What is love anyway? Maybe it’s supposed to break all the rules, like me and Jan or Oscar and some guy. Life is short; when two people find each other, what should stand in their way?
-I love inside jokes…I’d love to be a part of one someday.
-‘Hug it out bitch.’ That is what men say to each other after a fight. They hug it out, in doing so they just let it go, and walk away, they’re done. Not a good idea to say that to a woman, however, I have found. Doesn’t translate.
-It feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears…and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer…and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone…and I’m crying, and nobody can hear me, because I’m terribly, terribly alone.
-I don’t understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King, but he didn’t even work here.
-Society teaches us that, having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that’s baloney, because grief isn’t wrong. There’s such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.
-I didn’t hire an ex-convict. Unless they mean Toby: convicted rapist.
-Michael: I’d like everybody’s attention. Christmas is cancelled.
Stanley: You can’t cancel a holiday.
Michael: Keep it up Stanley and you’ll lose New Year’s.
Stanley: What’s that mean?
Michael: Jim, take New Year’s away from Stanley.
-Bros before hoes. Why? Your bros are always there for you. They have your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho, and you told her that she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hoes in the world. And then suddenly…she’s not yo’ ho no mo’.
-I don’t want somebody sucking up to me because they think I am going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.
-It takes a big man to admit his mistakes and I am that big man.
-I saved a life: my own. Am I a hero? I really can’t say…but, yes.
-Here’s the situation. Two weeks ago, I was in the worst relationship of my life. She treated me poorly. We didn’t connect, I was miserable. Now, I’m in the best relationship of my life with the same woman. Love is a mystery.
-Ladies and gentleman, I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car. It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best that they could…and she is going to be okay.
-Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me…no, don’t sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I am trying to make.
-Yes. Money has been a little tight lately. But, at the end of life, when I’m sitting on my yacht, am I going to be thinking about how much money I have? No, I’m going to be thinking about how many friends I have, and my children, and my comedy albums. I mean, I have a yacht so I obviously did pretty well money wise.
-You cheated on me…when I specifically asked you not to?
-My whole life, I have known two things: I love sex, and I want to have kids. And I always thought that those two things would go hand in hand, but now, I think it might have to be one or the other.
-What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I once went 28 years without having sex…and then again for seven years.
-I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me. And I think it’s because they see me as one of them. But cooler and with my life put together a little bit more.
-How do you tell somebody that you care about deeply, “I told you so.” Gently with a rose? In a funny way, like it’s a hilarious joke? Or do you just let it go, because saying it would just make things worse? Probably the funny way.
-In my opinion, the third date is traditionally the one where you have sex. Does Holly feel that way? I don’t know. I will probably find out tonight. If she starts having sex with me I’ll know for sure.
-My boss is sending me abroad to do a presentation to an international client and I have always been intrigues by all things international. The women, the pancakes, the man of mystery.
-Why have I stayed at Dunder Mifflin for so long? Certainly not because of the paycheck. Because I could be making more money as a doctor or a professional athlete. I think it’s because they respect me. A boss that will not fire you, even though you just tell him off…right to his face…over the phone. That’s respect.
-You know sometimes, to get perspective, I like to think about a spaceman on a star incredibly far away. Our problems don’t matter to him because we are just a distant point of light. But he feels sorry for me, because he has an incredibly powerful microscope, and he can see my face. I’m okay. No, I’m not.
-I quit. You have no idea how high I can fly.
-They always say that it is a mistake to hire your friends and they are right! So, I hired my best friends. And this is what I get?
-I want you to listen to me, friend, and I want you to listen to me good. I’m going to come at you, and I’m going to come at you hard. I’m going to steal all of your clients, and then I’m going to kill them in front of you.
-It’s 4:30 in the morning. Do you know where your kids are? If you are Ryan’s parents or Pam’s parents or my parents, you do. They’re going to be in this van. With me. Who am I? Nothing to fear. I am just a 44 year old guy with a paper route.
-Michael: Did I ever tell you about the day that Steve Martin died?
Pam: Steve Martin’s not dead.
Michael: I know. But I always thought that the day that he died would be the worst day of my life. I was wrong. It’s this.
-I’ll see your situation and I’ll raise you a situation. Your company is losing clients left and right. You have a stockholder meeting coming up and you’re going to have to explain to them why your most profitable branch is bleeding. So they may be looking for a little change in the CFO. So I don’t think I need to wait out Dunder Mifflin. I think I just have to wait you out.
-I don’t care if Ryan murdered his entire family. He is like a son to me.
-There are certain defining moments in a person’s life. They day he is born. The day he grows hair and the day he starts a business. And the day he sells that business back to Dunder Mifflin. What have I learned from all of this? It is far too early to tell. I just know that I am flying high and I don’t even want to think about it. I just want to enjoy it.
-Someone is returning! He started his own company, and now he’s back. Who could it be? I’ll give you a hint. He is a man. A man you have missed with all your heart. A man who has ruined all other men for you. Who is it? It’s Michael Scott.
– When I needed salespeople for my new paper company, everyone here turned their back on me. Am I going to ask them to beg for forgiveness? No. Am I going to ask for a big, crying apology? No. Am I going to ask them to slit their wrists for me? No. I just want a tiny, microscopic version of that.
-I lied to Kevin. Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together, and I’m going to find the perfect moment today and I am going to tell her.
-I didn’t find a perfect moment, because I think that today was just about just having today. I think that we are one of those couples with a long story, when people ask how they found each other. I will see her every now and then, and maybe one year she’ll be with somebody, and the next year, I’ll be with somebody, and it’s going to take a long time…And then it’s perfect. I’m in no rush.
-You will be sleeping by yourself for the rest of your life. You better get used to it.
-What is so wrong about me? I’m caring, generous and sensual. Is it really so horrible that I could possibly go out and find happiness?
-If I had a gun with only two bullets and was in a room with Hitler, Osama Bin Laden and Toby, I’d shoot Toby twice.
-As I watched Pam’s big strong hand coming toward my face I saw my entire life flash before my eyes. And guess what? I have four kids. And I have a hover car and a hover house. And my wife is a runner and it shows. And Pam and Jim are my best friends and our kids play together. And I’m happy and I’m rich and I never die. That doesn’t sound like much, but it’s enough for me.
-I just fell in love with these kids. And I didn’t want to see them fall victim to the system. So I made them a promise. I told them if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education. I have made some empty promises in my life but, hands down that was the most generous.
-You are the worst. I hate looking at your face. I want to smash it.
-If you break that girl’s heart I will kill you. That’s just a figure of speech. But seriously, if you break that girl’s heart I will literally kill you and your entire family.
-Thank you Scranton Strangler. I love you. You just took one more person’s breath away.
-If she’s engaged, I’m going to go crazy, and I’m going to start attacking people. If she’s not engaged, in all honesty, I might just burn this whole place down to the ground out of happiness.
-It goes to show that everything you want in life you get. And you can’t work for it. It just comes to you.
-Yeah, whatever. No big deal. The hottest girl in the world loves me.
-Michael: I have my book on business, Somehow I Manage. I have my HBO comedy special, Here I Go Again…But you know what? When I think about it, when I really think about it, none of those things are as real to me as my movie.
Holly: I’m real.
Michael: Yeah, you’re a real pain in the ass.
-I am not going to be proposed to in the break room. That is not going to be our story. I should have burned this place down when I had the chance.
-This is where I fell in love with you, and this is where I ask you to marry me.
-Michael: Holly Flax…marrying me will you be?
Holly: Your wife becoming me will I.
-Holly has to go back to Colorado. I’m going with her. I’m leaving.
-This is going to feel so good getting this thing off my chest. That’s what she said.
About Michael Scott
-The whole office feels darker, you know? It’s just a sad dark day.
-And just like that. As mysteriously as he arrived, he was gone.